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FOUL TERRITORY
Stuff That Bugs Me
June 14, 2002
Straying from baseball a little, here is a list of stuff that bugs me. There's not enough bandwidth to hold the whole compilation of things that really yank my chain, so here's just a sample:
Jay Leno
The minute this guy stopped doing standup on Letterman, he stopped being funny. Force yourself to watch his monologue and count how many times you actually laugh. My guess is that it will match the amount of haircuts Leno's bald "blandleader," Kevin Eubanks, has had in the past 5 years. Leno is a jeans and t-shirt guy stuffed into a suit and it shows. Ugh.
Sammy Sosa's home run "hop"
Is there anything more annoying than watching Sosa hop away from the plate after his solo shot pulls the Cubs within 4 runs of the opposition? If only Sosa's cutoff men could jump that high for his errant throws...
Seeing someone come toward you in a long hallway
We've all been there. You see this guy and he sees you, but you're way too far for the normal "hey man" walk by conversation. Those next ten steps are more uncomfortable than a death row stroll. You pull out all the stops. Hmm, I never noticed that on the ceiling before. Gee, look at my watch, isn't it shiny. Wow, that window is really clean. Yup, my shoes are still tied. Oh my, look at my watch, it's 2 seconds later than the last time I checked. "Hey man." And the torture finally ends.
Reruns of "The Nanny"
Who watched this show when it originally aired and how did it survive long enough to make it to syndication? Who ever called home and said, "Oh honey, I'm running late and you know what tonight is - make sure you tape 'The Nanny' for me!" I can't think of a single person that show appeals to, yet here it is on television, day after stinking day, proof positive that we officially have too many channels. "The Nanny" only ended its run a few years ago, but it somehow looks more dated than "The Facts of Life." I can't claim that I've ever sat through an entire episode, but the little that I've seen got about as many laughs as a Jay Leno monologue.
People who confuse simple words
I'm talking about the basics: your and you're, they're and their (and there), too, to, two, etc. It's not that people don't know, it's just that they're lazy. Stop and think and everything will be ok.
People who refuse to watch "The Simpsons" because "it's a cartoon"
This one really burns me up. If you don't watch TV because you think it poisons the mind, then fine, but to categorize arguably the best comedy on television in recent history because of its animation is absurd. These are usually the same people who didn't see Schindler's List because "I'm not really fond of black and white." Um, ok. Hey, maybe that explains the success of "The Nanny."
Radio stations
It's too late for radio now that every station is owned by just a handful of companies, but for god sakes, have some guts! It's all the same across the dial and if your name's not Britney or U2, you don't have a prayer in the business. The sad part is that successful musicians and bands that have sold millions of albums don't even have a platform anymore unless people start forking over monthly payments for satellite radio. That's unlikely, so for now, the guys like Prince who don't fit into a particular category of music are fading into the past never to be heard from again.
Fun Size candy bars
There's nothing fun about a bite size Snickers. It should be called Frustrating Size, because it just makes you want to eat more.
Pickles on my food
Why do they always put a pickle on your plate next to your fries at restaurants? Think about it - potatoes dipped in pickle juice. No thank you.
There is much more stuff, but one of them is columns that never seem to end.
